Parody of the Rings: Fellowship ofwhatever
by Samwise the Strong
Summary: Frodo must fight off Sauron and destroy his ring. WIP. Please forgive the spelling errors.


A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...Or was it? Anyway, I am Galadrial, and this is the prologe to Parody of the Rings. It started with the forging of the rings of power. Three went to the elves, seven to the dwarves, and nine to mortal men. The ring were said to have the power to govern over our world, but mostly we just like pretty things.  
The one thing we, the wise, didn't know is that Souron, the resident bad ass, was up in arms, and out for blood. He forged one ring with the power to dominate over all.  
We elves, not wanting to seem cowardly challenged him to a duel. With our "friends" the men, we marched against him and his armies there on the slopes of his big ass fiery mountain. We almost won too, but then Souron decided to come out of his hidy hole and take part in his own war. He killed the king of men. Isildur is outraged. He takes the broken peices of his fathers sword, and slashes Souron's fingers from his hand.  
Isildur: I am gonna KILL BILL! I mean SOURON!  
The battle is won, but the story is far from over. Isildur, being a stupid man, didn't destoy the ring when he had the chance, and was killed for it.  
Thousands of years passed and nobody found the ring. Then some skeevy lookin Hobbit like guy named Smeagol found it. He then turned into an even skeevier creture named Gullom. He had the ring for over five hundred years.  
The ring then decided to catch a ride to the Shire with a fat little hobbit guy named Bilbo Baggins, and there it has stayed for many years, waiting for it's next ride. The time may come when a Hobbit may save the world, but as I said, the mirror shows many things and on the rare occasion it is wrong. Or is it...

Frodo is sitting by a tree reading a book. Well actually it was his new issue of "Play Hobbit", but thhat's beside the point. Suddenly he hear a cart coming along the roadway. He jumps up and runs oward the road, but being Frodo, catches his foot on something and falls right into the road. Gandalf, being a very good driver is just able to avoid running over Frodo by stopping the cart. Frodo gets up and dusts himself off.  
Frodo: You're late!  
Gandalf: Lucky for you I was.  
Frodo: I mean you're like three months late.  
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. Nor is hhe early. He arrives percicley when he means to.  
Frodo is unconvinced, and gives Gandalf a hard stare.  
Gamdalf: Okay, I'm late.  
Frodo: (hugging Gandalf) It's wonderful to see you again, Gandalf!  
Gandalf: Yes, I know I'm wonderful, but please do try to keep control of your self.  
As the cart now passes on down the road, we see Gandalf has several bumper stickers. The first says "I Break for Hobbits" (oh the irony), the second says "Yes this is my cart; No I won't help you move", the third say "I wanna be like Barbie, that bitchh has everything" , and the last says "Viagra, the quicker dicker picker upper". Several Hobbits along the way look very offended.  
Frodo: So what's up with you, Gandalf? Tell me everything.  
Gandalf: Everything? Well aren't we nosey.  
Frodo: Yes. Tell me what's goin on outside the Shire.  
Gandalf: Not much has changed.  
(pause)  
Frodo blinks, obviosly very disappointed.  
Frodo: That"s it! You're not very good at telling stories.  
Gandalf: So how is Bilbo?  
Frodo: You know Bilbo. The whole Shire is in an uproar.  
Gandalf: Well that should please him.  
Frodo: HHe's up to something.  
Gandalf: Ya think?  
Frodo: Okay, don't tell me. Keep your secrets. Befor you came along, we Baggines were very well thought of. Never had any adventures or did anything unexpected.  
Gandalf: And that is what makes you so damn boring. And if you're refuring to the incident with the dragon, I was barely even involved. I just gave his lazy Hobbit ass a boot out the door.  
Frodo: Whatever. I'm glad you're back Gandalf.  
Gandalf: Ditto, kid.  
Frodo tries to lea down from the cart, but his foot is caught again, and he falls to the ground.  
Gandalf: You big hairy-footed clutz!  
Frodo: I meant to do that. I'm fine!  
Gandalf rides away, shaking his head.

Around the bend, and over the hill was BagEnd, thhe home of Bilbo and Frodo Baggins. Gandalf stopped his cart at the gate. It had a sign on it that said "Causion: Mine field. Sackville-Baggines stay out." Right nderneath this sign was another sign that said "If you have 'Party Business' follow the path, and you'll be fine." Gandalf carefully followed the pathway up to the door and knocked twice with his staff. An angry voice came from within.  
Bilbo: No thank you! We don't want anymore well wishers, distant relations, Moony's or Sackville-Bagginsed!  
Gandalf: What about very old friends?  
Bilbo: No soliciters!  
Gandalf: Not that kind of old friend...  
Bilbo: Go away! You already told me. I won't be saved in thhe end.  
Gandalf: Open the door, you pintsized nimrod! It's me Gandalf.  
Bilbo: Gandalf? Have any ID?  
Gandalf: Open the door, squatty, or I'll open it for you.  
Bilbo: Oh it is you Gandalf!  
Gandalf hears many locks being undone, and about seven minutes later, Bilbo peeks through the door.  
Gandalf: Damn, you're paranoid.  
Bilbo: Sackville-Bagginses around. You can never be too careful. You're late, you know.  
Gandalf: So I've been told. GOOD LORD! You haven't aged a day.  
Bilbo: Yeah, thank you Botox.  
Bilbo and Gandalf then go into the kitchen. As Bilbo is just stuffing his face with eggs, they hear a loud explosion. Bilbo jumps up in panic.  
Bilbo: Damn Sackville-bagginses! They've been at it all day. Can't say I didn't warn them. Then again, none of them can read. They want the house, you know. I need to get away, Gandalf and see some mountains again, and then maybe finish that damn romance novel I've been writing.  
Gandalf: So you mean to go through with your plan?  
Bilbo: Plan? Who told you? Who have you been talking to!  
Gandalf: Bilbo, we made it together.  
Bilbo: Oh yes, now I remember.  
Gandalf: Frodo suspects something.  
Bilbo: Of course me does, he's a Baggins! Ah, my Frodo. Smart like his uncle.  
Gandalf: Oh stop it!  
Bilbo is now sitting in his chhair, blubbering like a baby.  
Bilbo: I just can't beleive my Frodo is come of age.  
Gandalf: Is that even in this story?  
Bilbo: You're right, it's not.  
Gandalf: Oh well, I'll be seeing you at the party.  
Bilbo: Of course you will, the parties for me.  
Gandalf: Smart hobbits...  
Bilbo: What was that!  
Gandalf: Oh nothing.  
Gandalf goes off to get ready for the party that night.

As nighht finally began to fall, every Hobbit in the Shire sudddenly appeared at the party field.  
Bilbo: I think we need a bigger field.  
The music starts to play. Merry and Pippin are showing up everywhere, singing and dancing. This is indeed Gandalfs worst nightmare.  
Gandalf: DEAR GOD! A shire full of Merrys and Pippins!  
Gandalf goes about setting off his fireworks.  
Gandalf: You all had better appritiate thiss. I went all the way to Mexico to get these.  
Frodo: Where's Mexico?  
Gandalf: NEVER you MIND!  
Frodo then goes and find Sam sitting alone and drooling quite heavily. Frodo then sees that he is looking at Rosie Cotton, his true love.  
Frodo: Why don't you get off your fat ass and dance with her?  
Sam: I am not fat! I'm just big boned.  
Frodo: Yeah, just keep telling your self that. In the mean time...  
Frodo grabs Sam by the arm and shoves him at Rosie, who has just started the Tango. Needless to say, Sam is vanquished.  
Bilbo sit telling some Hobbit children a story.  
Bilbo: No one could mistake my dillema. There I was, at the mercy of three monsterous...Door to door sales men. They were discussing, right there at my very door, all the needless things they were going to make me buy.  
Young Hobbit: What did you do!  
Bilbo: Why I slammed the door in their face. After that, I set up my mine field. Keeps S-B's and salesmen out.  
Young Hobbit: That story sucked!  
Bilbo, now somewhat enraged, picks up the young Hobbit, walks a short distance, and throws him in the river.  
Bilbo: AND stay out!  
Gandalf: You do know that Hobbits swim like stones?  
Bilbo: Oh, forgetful me.  
A short while later, the childrens' mothher comes to collect them.  
Bilbo: Oh are these all yours? Twenty? My goodness. Well now you have one less mouth to feed.  
Gandalf is setting off fireworks still, and is unaware that Merry has throw Pippin into the back of his cart to steal one.  
Merry: Alright, you got it?  
Pippin: Thhe big one?  
Merry: Yes!  
Pippin: Sure thing!  
He jumps down from the cart and they rush into a tent. Merry lights it, but nothing happens.  
Merry: What's this!  
Gandalf: (peeking his head in) It's idiot proof. Now you two, if you'd follow me, there is a large pile of dishes that needs to be washed.  
Simetime later, Merry and Pippin are being overseen by Gandalf. Thehy then hear that Bilbo is going to make a speech.  
Bilbo: Okay, as you all know, I'm nutty as a fruitcake, but I just had to have a captive audience for this. I know half of you, half as well as I should like, and I like less than hhalf of you half as well as you deserve.  
Everyone is confused by this, exept the S-B's who cheer,. and obviously know what it means.  
Bibo: Anyway, I called you all here for two reasons. Fist of all, It's my birthday! But you already knew that. Didn't you?  
About five Hobbits cheer to confirm this.  
Bilbo: Also it is Frodoo's birthday, and he comes into his inheretence today.  
The S-B's growl  
Bilbo: Oh, mad dogs. Anyway, I am going away, I shall never see any of you again. Thank you. I am gooing away now!  
Bilbo disappears, but in the middle of his speech, everyone had gone back to eating and hadn't noticed.  
Gandalf: Well where's the shock in that?  
Gandalf goes up to BagEnd to see Bilbo off.

Bilbo, now invisable, races up to Bagend. He removes the ring and chucles to himself and then begins to gather things for his journey. He enters the sitting room.  
Gandalf: I suppose you thought that wa terribly clever.  
Bilbo: What! It's not like anyone noticed.  
Gandalf: True, but magic rings should not be used lightly.  
Bilbo: Well, I'm going off to Rivendell. Tell Frodo bye for me.  
Gandalf: You must leave the ring for Frodo.  
Bilbo: Why? It's mine, my own, my precious.  
Gandalf: Because you must!  
Bilbo: I won't.  
Gandalf: You will!  
Bilbo: Won't!  
Gandalf: Will!  
Bilbo: Won't!  
Gandalf: Will!  
Bilbo: Will!  
Gandalf: Won't! Aww damn.  
Bilbo: See, I won't!  
Gandalf: Okay...What do you want?  
Bilbo: Nothing. My ring!  
Gandalf: BILBO BAGGINS, DO NOT TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJUROR OF CHEAP TRICKS! I am not trying to rob you.  
Bilbo: Really?  
Gandalf: Would I lie?  
Bilbo: Okay Gandalf, Frodo can have it.  
Bilbo drops the ring heavily to the floor.  
Bilbo: I thoughht of an ending to my book. "And she divorced and was set for life with the child support paid for twenty children."  
Gandalf: Whatever. Goodbye, dear Bilbo, until next we meet.  
Gandalf enters the house again and reaches to pick up the ring. He retracts his hand when he sees "The Eye of Souron". He goes and sit by the fire. Moments later...  
Frodo: Bilbo! Bilbo!  
Frodo stops in the doorway to pick up the ring. He then walks to where Gandalf is waiting.  
Frodo: So he's gone. Good riddance to bad rubbish.  
Gandalf: So you picked up the ring? Well I have to be going now.  
Frodo: Why? You've only just arrived.  
Gandalf: I need some questions answered. I'll be back in a while. While I'm gone, keep thhat ring hidden.  
Frodo: Okay. Goodbye.  
Gandalf: Farewell!  
Gandalf rides away from Bagend.

Ganndalf rides like the wind to Minas Tirith. Just over the mountains can be seen the lights of Mordor.  
Gandalf: Somebody turn that off!  
At last Gandalf enters the city and rushes off to the library.  
Gandalf: Damn overdue books.  
In the very back room, Gandalf is rummaging through some paper and comes across script pages. He grumbles, tears them up, and throws them in a nearby fireplace.  
Gandalf: You can write this shit, but ya sure can't say it.  
Finally Gandalf come across some papers that say "Isildir's diary". He reads them:  
Gandalf: The ring is MINE! Eat Poo Souron! Heh. By the way, throw the ring in the fire to learn it's secrets.  
Gandalf suddenly becomes exited, rushes out to his horse, and rides back to the Shire.

Meanwhile, at Minas Morgal the wraiths are torturing Gollum with soap and water.  
Wraith: Where is the ring. Tell me, or I'll get the scrub brush!  
Gollum lails around in his tub and then screams.  
Gollum: SHIRE! BAGGINS!  
Wraith: Thank you, Gollum. Now get all this clean shit outa here. People might start thinking this is a nice place.  
The gates open and the Ring Wraiths ride forth!

Gandalf rides to the Shire.  
17 years later  
Frodo, Merry, Pippin and Sam are hanging out at "The Mullenium Falcon" a local pub. They are singing and dancing, and once more, Sam is found in the corner drooling over Rosie Cotton who stands behind the bar.  
Frodo: Hey Sam, are you okay? You look like a rabid dog.  
Sam: Isn't she beautiful?  
Frodo: I don't know..She's kinda ugly, I'd say.  
Sam looks over at Frodo who isn't even looking in the right direction. He follows Frodo's gaze to see a fat chick with four breasts, a mustache, and a tail.  
Sam: Not that one you dumb-ass, Rosie.  
Frodo: Oh yes, Rosie...Is that a bt of stubble I see on her upper lip?  
Sam slap Frodo. They get ready to leave, and as they walk through the doorway, Rosie gives Sam a little peck on the cheek. Sam does ten back flips in his joy.  
Sam: I'll never wash this cheek again!  
Frodo: Like you did before.  
Sam slaps Frodo again.  
As they approach BagEnd, Sam goes on tohis own place, leaving Frodo to enter the dark hobbit hole alone. He enters and immediatly gets the feeling someone is watching him. Suddeny a hand lands on hhis shoulder.  
Frodo: AAHHHHHHHH!  
Gandalf:AAHHHHHH!  
Frodo: AAHHHHH!  
Gandalf: AAHHHHH!  
Frodo: AAHHHH! Gandalf?  
Gandalf: You scared the hell outa me. Now is the Ring available?  
Frodo goes and gets the ring. Gandalf takes it and throws it n the fire. He then picks it up with tongs and puts it in Frodo's hand.  
Gandalf: Do you see any letters there? What does it say?  
Frodo: It says "Apply to infested area". What does that mean?  
Gandalf: Give it here, you stupid hobbit.  
Gandalf snatches the ring away.  
Gandalf: It Says "One ring to bring them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them".  
Frodo: What does that mean?  
Gandalf: It means this is Sourons ring.  
Frodo: SOuron? The dark lord?  
Gandalf: The same.  
Frodo: Well we can hide it. Nobody knows it's here...Do they?  
Gandalf: Gollum squealed. You're screwed.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Shire a wraith approaches a hobbit.  
Wraith: SHIRE...BAGGINSSS...  
Hobbit: What?  
the wraith then begins to wheeze and spit.  
Wraith: AHEM! Ahehem. Sorry about that. I've been running about all day trying to find a place called Shire, and a fellow named Baggins. Know him?  
Hobbit: Well I don't know any Bagginses personally, but if you follow the road West of here, you'll come to Hobbiton. Hobbiton is crawling with Bagginses.  
Wraith: Thank you, mate.  
Hobbit: No problem, Mr. creature of Darkness.

Meanwhile at BagEnd Frodo is haveing a panic attack and Gandalf looks out by the window. He reaches down and pulls up Sam.  
Gandalf: What have you heard, and why did you listen?  
Sam: Who's Souron?  
Gandalf: Never you MIND! Frodo is going to Rivendell and you're going with him.  
Sam: I am?  
Gandalf: Yes you are. Frodo, I got your bag ready. I myself must go to Isengard to speak with Saruman. He will know what to do. I will try to meet you at Bree.  
Frodo: But you've only just arrived.  
Gandalf: Frodo, you must go. Trust Sam, he will look out for you. Whatever you do...RUN!  
Gandalf disappears through the doorway and Sam and Frodo are left now to their own devices.  
Sam: There goes a stupid, stupid wizard...  
Frodo: Well we had better get going. If I fall, please don't hate me.  
Sam: I could never hate you, you big clutz.  
So Frodo and Sam head of to Bree.

Sam and Frodo are walking across a field when suddenly Sam stops.  
Sam: This is it.  
Frodo: This is what?  
Sam: If I go one step further; it'll be the furthest from home I've ever been.  
Frodo: Whatever Sam. Remeber what Bilbo used to say...  
Sam: The only good Sackville-Baggins is a dead Sackville-Baggins?  
Frodo: No! He used to say "only an Idiot wouldn't take one more step".  
Sam: Oh.  
They continue on their way. They come to a corn field and become lost immediatly.  
Frodo: Where the hell are we?  
Sam: Oh don't start!  
Frodo: No really. Where the hell are we?  
Sam: I don't know. You're the one who suggested a shortcut.  
Frodo: You didn't have to follow me.  
Sam: Well, Gandalf said "Don't you lose him, or I'll bat your balls right outa the park." I said what park and he said, "Never you mind"!  
Frodo: Well we are still in the Shire, What could possibly happen?  
Suddenly Merry and Pippin come bursting through the field, arms full of vegtables and electronics.  
Merry: Frodo?  
Frodo: What have you done?  
An angry voice can be heard coming thhrough the field.  
Voice: Come back here you little bastards!  
Pippin: We stole his veggies.  
Merry: And his stereo.  
Pippin: And did some fooling around with his wife.  
Merry: Talk about anawsome threesome.  
Sam: You guys are sick!  
They all begin to run. They come to bank and are just able to stop and then Sam crashes into them.  
Merry: (falling) CRAP IN A HAT !  
They fall to the road and Pippin nearly falls in poo.  
Pippin: Ooh, that was close.  
Sam: Trust a Took and a Brandybuck.  
Merry: And whats that supposed to mean. This is only a shortcut.  
Sam: A shortcut to what?  
Pippin: Mushrooms!  
Sam and Merry push Pippin away to get there first and he falls in the poo.  
Pippin: DAMMIT!  
Frodo: We should get off the road.  
Sam: Why?  
Frodo: Never you MIND! Just do it.  
They get off the oad and then they hear a vehicle drive up. They are hidden behind the branch and can not see it, but it is the vehicle of the head Ring-Wraith. It is a brightly painted yellow Ford pickup truck with darkly tinted windows and "Where's the Cream Filling" printed on the back windshield. He sniffs around for a moment and then gets back in and drives off. The hobbit emerge.  
Sam: Good thing Pippin smells bad, the creature would have looked if it didn't smell so bad under here.  
Pippin: Thanks a lot.

After washing Pippin in a nearby stream and taking a two hour walk, they came atlast to Bree. They approached the gate and knocked on it. The gate-keeper opened a high door and then seeing no one opened a middle window and then atlast a low one.  
Gate-keeper: What do you want?  
Frodo: We're going to the Inn.  
Gate-Keeper: The Holiday Inn?  
Sam: No.  
Gate-keeper: The Comfort Inn?  
Merry: No.  
Gate-keeper: The Sleep Inn?  
Frodo: NO! We're going to the prancing Pony.  
Gate-keeper: Oh...Okay. But the Motel 6 is better.  
Sam: We're sure it is.  
They now walk along the dark muddy streets of Bree. Along the way they see the director reeling drunkenly and eating a large carrot.  
Sam: Pete?  
Frodo: That can't be good.  
They come at last to the Prancing Pony. They wait paciently for the Inn-Keeper to come to the counter, but he doesn't appear to have seen them. Sam sees there is a bell to ring on the counter. He stands on his toes and rings it. The Inn-Keeper magically appears.  
Butterbur: You rang, little masters? I am Barliman Butterbur, the Inn-Keeper. What can I do ya for?  
Frodo: We have come to meet with Gandalf the Grey, can you tell him we've arrived?  
Butterbur: Gandalf? Ahh yes...Old, bitchy dude, right? Haven't seen him in six months.  
Pippin: Really?  
Butterbur: Really, really.  
Sam: What are we gonna do now?  
Frodo: Panic sounds good.  
Butterbur has now taken the hobbits to a table in the next room. As they sit there and munch on bread and cheese, Frodo notices a man in the corner is string at him. He stops Butterbur who is passing by.  
Frodo: Who's that man in the corner?  
Butterbur: He's one strange dude, dude. He wanders around in the wils as one of those ranges. I don't know his real name, but most call him Strider. Or was it Gimpy?  
Suddenly everyone there is yelling at Frodo to sing a song.  
Frodo: Okay. This is about the girl I left behind

Regrets I've had a few  
first and formost, I'd like to mention you  
For the sake of conversation, I'll call you the brand new heavy  
You're a cross between an Ugnaught, and Eugene Levy  
You prefer to call it big boned  
I prefer to call it butch  
You're Buddah  
You're Shammu  
You're Jabba the frickin hutt  
At this junction, I gotta lement  
You were not a girl...  
You were an experament  
But you're pretty when I'm drunk  
You're pretty when I'm drunk  
You're pretty when I'm drunk  
And I'm pretty freakin drunk!

The crowd cheers. Frodo is dancing around an a table top and loses his balance. He falls and the ring gets pushed on his finger. He is now in the dark world and a giant eye approaches.  
Eye: Hello, I am the eye of souron. The soul of Souron is not available at this time. Please leave your name and local after the beep and he will get to killing you as soon as possible.  
BEEP!  
Frodo: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
Eye: Thank you for your message.  
Frodo rips the ring from his finger. He is then grabbed and hauled away by a mysterious hand.

Meanwhile at Isengard Gandalf has just ridden up and we hear the voice of Saruman.  
Saruman: What is this? Gandalf coming to seek my council? OH GOODIE! I'll go and get my official looking robes so I can lookk...Oficial for him.  
Gandalf waits at the gate for four hours while Saruman decides what to wear. Finally Saruman ventures down the stairs.

Saruman: Welcome, old friend. What brings you to my little corner of the world.  
They walk through thhe garden.  
Gandalf: Sourons ring has been found.  
Saruman: Really? This is serious you know. It had better not be a joke.  
Gandalf: Really. It has been in the Shire thhe whole time.  
Saruman: Too bad you were stoned the whole time on their weed. You could have brought it to me long ago.  
Gandalf: I know, but there is still time.  
Saruman: Actually there isn't.  
They magically appear in Saruman's room.  
Saruman: You will tell me where the ring is?  
Gandalf: Why should I? And why are we in your room?  
Saruman: Sorry about that. DAMN TRANSPORTATION SPELL!  
He tries again and they appear in the main chamber.  
Saruman: I will use the ring and become the master of Middle-Earth!  
Gandalf: Have you lost your sences! This is Souron's ring!  
Saruman: Where is it!  
Gandalf: It's no where. I lied.  
Saruman thinks about this for a moment.  
Saruman: YOU LIE!  
Gandalf: DAMN! I didn't think he'd be so smart.  
Saruman: Goodbye.  
Gandalf: What?  
Gandalf thhen falls to the floor in pain and the Saruman uses his power to levitate Gandalf to the top of the tower.  
Saruman: Heh...Oh..What have I done!  
Saruman falls to the ground and starts crying. A nearby passing orc sees him in his sorry state.  
Orc: Broken down wizard.

A strange man has hauled Frodo away and now dumps him onto the floor of his room. Frodo looks up and immediatly recognizes the man.  
Frodo: Gimpy?  
Srider: Strider.  
Frodo: Oh.  
Strider: You know you really should be more careful. You might have hurt yourself falling off that table.  
Frodo: Is that all you want?  
Strider: No. I'm here because I wanna tell you you gotta be careful with that ring.  
Frodo: Who told you about the ring?  
Strider: You just did, dumb ass.  
Frodo: DAMMIT!  
Strider: And that's just what I mean. You gotta be careful.  
Suddenly Sam Merry and Pippin barge through the door.  
Sam: Get away from my Frodo!  
Merry: Yeah!  
Pippin: You guys, I need the room. I got a cute chick with me.  
Merry: (slapping Pippin) You're an idiot!  
Pippin: And it took you this long to figure that out?  
Strider: Listen, the wraiths are coming and I really don't think you wanna be in this room when they arrive. Let's go over to my place and hang out. hey, you can all fit in my bed!  
Sam: This guy is sick!

The Gate keeper has just heard a comotion and gets up to investigate. He opens the little window and sees a train speeding toward him! He is crushed under the gate. As the riders ride over the fallen gate, one dismounts and goes to the fallen gate, opens the window so he can just see the Gate-Keepers face and:  
Wraith: (knocking) Knock knock.  
Gate-Keeper: Who's there?  
Wraith: (laughing) Your ass smasher.  
The wraith then slams the window shut again. They ride to the Prancing Pony and enter the Hobbits' room. They stand over the beds.  
Wraith: I know I should feel guilty about this...But I don't!  
The Wraiths then begin slashing the beds. They stop when they see only feathers erupting from them.  
Wraith: What's this?  
Butterbur: (poking his head in) Hobbits are idiot proof.  
The wraith runs him through with his sword.  
Wraith: I tthought these were just cardboard...Thank you Richard Taylor!  
The Wraiths run screaming from the room.  
Over at Aragorn's/Strider's room, Frodo has been awakened.  
Frodo: What are they?  
Strider: Living dead guys. they are the servants of Souron.  
Frodo: Oh.  
Sam: Get out of this bed you sick MAN!

Pippin awakened and smiled. He kissed the culy head next to him.  
Pippin: You were great last night.  
Merry: I thhink I hate you.  
Pipin: AHHHH! What happened to that hobbit lass?  
Merry: There was none. I didn't enjoy that, Pippin.

Two hours later, Gimpy..I mean Strider is leading the hobbits through the forest.  
Sam: Why are we trusting this guy again?  
Frodo: Because he looks foul, but speaks fair!  
Strider: I heard that!  
Frodo: It's a compliment.  
Strider: Sure it is.

Ten minutes later, the hobbits have al stopped and are sitting down for a second breakfast.  
Strider: Oi, what you think you're doing?  
Pippin: Having breakfast.  
Strider: We've already had it.  
Pippin: What about second breakfast?  
Strider: Eating your own weight in food is not a talent.  
He walks on.  
Pippin: But what about third breakfast, morning tea, brunch, afternoon tea, dinner, supper, and midnight snack? He knows about those, right?  
Merry: I don't think so, Pip.  
Pippin: I'm gonna starve.

Two days later they are sloshing through the deep waters of the Midgewater Marshes.  
Pippin: I'm being eaten alive!  
Strider: Good! Maybe that'll shut you up!  
Sam: That isn't very nice.  
Strider: Whatever you say, Spam.  
Sam: That's Sam!  
Strider: Whatever.

Meanwhile, at Isengard Gandalf is being tortured with Algebra lessons from his old cranky Algebra Professor.  
AP: Turn to page nine hundred thirty-three.  
Gandalf: WHY!

The man and his hobbits approach a funcky hill.  
Aragorn: This was once the great watchtower of Ami-tul.  
Pippin: The tower of whati-who?  
Aragorn: Shut it you!  
They come at last to the top and sit down to rest. Aragorn takes ouyt some small swords.  
Sam: Are those for us?  
Aragorn: No, I like to juggle.  
Aragorn begins to juggle the swords.  
Aragorn: Here, you can use em I guess.  
Merry: So where are you going off to?  
Aragorn: I'm gonna check out the surrounding area.  
Aragorn leaves, and Frodo goes to sleep. When he awakens, he sees that the other hobbits have set up a fire and are cooking.  
Frodo: What the hell are you doingg!  
Pippin: What's it look like?  
Sam: I got this great recipe for for Pippin soup on one of Martha Stewerts last shows.  
Pippin: That isn't funnyy, Spam!  
Sam: It's SAM!  
Frodo: Put it out you fools!  
Pippin: Oh well that's nice! Ash on my tomatos!  
Sam: I think that's the least of our problems. LOOK!  
A yellow pick-up truck with "Where's the cream filling" printed across the back winshield has just pulled up to the hill, and all of the Nazgul start to pile out of the back.  
Nuzgul 1: Damn that's cramped.  
Nazgul 2: Yeah! What are we; clowns!  
The start to come up the hillside. Not being very bright, the hobbits run up the stair instead of finding another route. When they arrive at the top they see there is noplace else to run to.  
Frodo: Who thought up this plan?  
Merry: We followed you.  
They pull out their swords and make ready to fight. The wraiths approach. Sam lunges for them.  
Sam: Eat that bad guy!  
But the wraith easily pushes him away.  
Merry: Oh shit!  
Merry and Pippin both get throw across the floor. Finally they come to Frodo, who stupidly put on the ring. Thhey are immediatly attracted to him. And I don't mean they think he's cute.  
Frodo: But I am.  
Whatever. Master wraith pulls out his knife and stabs Frodo in the shoulder.  
Frodo: OH MY GOD!  
Aragorn then comes leaping out of the bushes. He has two lightsabers in his hands and is waving them about. The wraiths run off in terror.  
Sam: Frodo!  
Aragorn ruches over to where the hobbit has fallen.  
Frodo: I've been killed.  
Aragorn: It's just a scratch, you ninny bitch.  
Frodo: Am I gonna die?  
Aragorn: Hopefully. I won't have to hear any more o your damn whining.  
Sam: Leave him alone. By the way, where did you get the lightsabers?  
Aragorn: Never you mind. Let's get outta here.  
They leave Ami-tul. In a related story, Anikin Skywalker, and Obi-wan Kenobi are found dead in a nearby ditch.

Lord Elrond of Rivindell stands in the center of his council chamber. To his left stands Arwen, and to his right stands Glorfindel. Elrond reveals a coin in his hand.  
Elrond: If you guess the right side you get to go save Aragorn and Frodo.  
He tosses the coin.  
Elrond: Your choice, Glorfindel?  
Glorfindel: Heads!  
Elrond: Arwen?  
Arwen: Take a guess...  
Elrond: Tails it is! Go get em sweetie!  
Glorfindel: Dammit!

Meanwhile, somewhere in the forest, Frodo is not doing well. The hobbit and his freinds are in a clearing with three tall stone statues wearing bad suits.  
Sam: Look Mr. Frodo. It's Mr. Bilbo's salesmen.  
Frodo: Yeah, that would be interesting if I weren't drifting into the dark world!  
Pippin: Is he gonna die?  
Aragorn: One can only hope.  
Sam: Hey!  
Aragorn: I mean, one can only hope not! Sam do you know the kingsfoil plant?  
Sam: It's a weed, right.  
Aragorn: It may be able to help him.  
Sam: Oh.  
Aragorn and Sam run into the forest looking for Kingsfoil. Aragoorn has just found some, when he feels the blade under his chin.  
Arwen: Do you surrender?  
Aragorn: That all depends on what my punishment will be.

Frodo see a lot of light and then sees some funky shimmering chick.  
Arwen: Frodo, I am Arwen...WAKE UP DAMMIT!  
Arwen slaps him. He shows no responce.  
Arwen: This idiot is pathetic. You risked your life for him, Aragorn?  
Aragorn: Yeah. I'm trying to score points toward getting into heaven.  
Arwen: No problem there. Satan wouldn't want you.  
Aragorn: Thanks...  
Arwen: I'll take him to my father.  
Aragorn: There are wraiths out there you know.  
Arwen: Yeah, and that's why I brought my "Wraith be Gone Spray". Gets rid of Wraiths, or your money back.  
Aragorn: Whatever. If you run into any Ewoks, just use a big stick.  
Arwen throws Frodo on her horse and hen jumps on herself, knocking Frodo from his perch.  
Arwen: Oops!  
She throws him back on and this time get onto the horse without knocking him off.  
Arwen: Bye now.  
They ride off.  
Sam: What are you doing? Those Wraiths are still out there.  
Aragorn: So I'm stuck with you, Spam? Greeeeaaat.  
Sam: That's SAM!

The Elf woman and the hobbit race across thhe Ford of NEVERYOUMIND. Arwen had noticed in her rearveiw mirror that a yellow pickup truck with "Where's The Cream Filling" printed across the back windsheild has started to follow them. She pulls out her spray and sprays it. It has no effect on the approaching vehicle.  
Arwen: I want my damn money back!  
They finally reach the river.  
Wraith: Hand over the Halfling, Elf-bitch.  
Arwen: Not on your life, Bub.  
The wraith advance. Arwen jumps off her horse and goes to the nearby roock wall. She pulls a hidden lever, and a flushing sound is heard as the river rises up and sweeps away the wraiths.  
Arwen: Down the shitter!  
Frodo falls from the horse. Arwen begins to weep dramatically.  
Arwen: LIVE, DAMMIT LIVE!  
Frodo passes out.

Frodo lay on a cozy bead and was bathed in a silver light that was almost unbearable to look at. Suddenly a pair of grubby hands reached over and shook him wildly.  
Gandalf: Frodo! Wake up! Lord Elrond, what shall we do?  
Elrond, who is standing at the end of the bed has to think about this for a moment. He walks over and pushes Gandalf out of the way and smacks Frodo hard accross the face.  
Elrond: Snap out of it!  
Frodo does not respond.  
Elrond: I know exactly what to do. Gandalf, go to my doctors bag and find me the BIG ASS RECTAL THERMOMETER!  
Att hearing these words, Frodo jumps out of bed and screams.  
Frodo: AHHHHHHH!  
Elrond: There. You're cured.

Frodo then goes out into the garden to meet the other hobbits. upon seeingg him, the hobbits yell with glee, charge and tackle him.  
Gandalf: Stop that. He is very fragile.  
Merry: That never stoped us before.  
Pippin: Yeah!  
Bilbo then walks up and starts to beat Merry and Pippin with his walking stick.  
Bilbo: MY! MY, MY, My! Bad Hobbits!  
Merry and Pippin scramble up and run away. Bilbo helps Frodo up.  
Bilbo: Next time, I'll lett em trample you.

Later that night in the garden, Arwen stands with Aragorn. They hug and then he sees she is crying.  
Aragorn: You weep now because we were seperated?  
Arwen: No.  
Aragorn: Because your father won't lett us marry?  
Arwen: No.  
Aragorn: Then why?  
Arwen: Because you are standing on my foot.  
Aragorn looks down and sees this is indeed true. He steps carefully away from her foot.  
Aragorn: That never happened.  
Arwen: Of course not. But since we are on the subject of marrage, when are you going to go claim that throne?  
Aragorn: Right after I save the world. I promise, love.  
Arwen: Promise promise?  
Aragorn: Yes.  
Arwen: Pinky swear?  
Aragorn holds out his pinky and Arwen wraps hers around it. They smile at each other and then kiss

From out of nowhere arrives Boromir the brave, Gimli the wide, and Legolas the prissy. Boromir parks his horse in overlapping compact horse spaces, Legolas parks down att thhe far end of the parking lot, and Gimli Illegally parks up by the front gate. His horse is immediatly towed by the "Elf Patrol".

In the council, all are present...minus Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Glorfindel.  
Glorfindel: DAMN THAT TRICK COIN!  
Elrond begins the meeting.  
Elrond: Now that we are all here, we will discuss what is happening. We must capture Osama Bin Laden, or he will attack our towers again.  
Frodo: Who? I thought we were here to talk about Sauron.  
Elrond: Oh yes...Sauron. You all ready for the history lesson? It all began with the forging of the Rings of Power...  
Elrond lapses into a long speech.

4 Hours later-  
Elrond: ...And that is why the sky is blue!  
Elrond looks around only to find that everyone is asleep. He clears his throat loudly and all are awakened, exept Boromir, who continues to snore.  
Elrond: AHEM!  
Boromir: ...GONDOR NEEDS NO KING! I mean...What's going on?  
Elrond: Am I boring you?  
Boromir: Do you want a truthful answer to that question?  
Elrond scowls at the man, and then he is ready for business again.  
Elrond: So who wants to take the ring and destroy it in the feiry mountain?  
Bilbo: ME!  
Gandalf: Shut up you!  
Boromir: Why don't we use it?  
Aragorn: Cause it's evil.  
Boromir: And what would you know about it, Ranger boy?  
Aragorn: Well I am Isuldurs heir.  
Boromir: You? Well your luck that Gondor needs no king.  
Frodo: You already said that.  
Boromir: Shut it shorty!  
Legolas: I like rings.  
Gimli: You're such a prissy bitch.  
Legolas: Thhen I suppose you want it.  
Gimli: Nope. Peter Jackson itsn't paying me enough to have an opinion.  
Frodo: I'll take it!  
Gandalf: I'll go too.  
Boromir: Ya'all ain't going nowhere without me.  
Arwen: I wanna go.  
Elrond: No!  
Legolas: You should love me instead of this mangie ranger.  
Arwen: But you're a girl.  
Legolas: AM NOT!  
Aragorn: See, she's mine.  
Legolas: Silence filthy human!  
Aragorn: What'sa matter? Split ends? Hang nail? PMS?  
Legolas: I AM NOT A GIRL!  
Aragorn: That's debatable.  
Gimli: I'll go.  
Arwen: I'll go.  
Elrond: No! Get outa here.  
Arwen: Okay, but you owe me big time, Ada. (father)  
Legolas: I'm going!  
Aragorn: Count me in.  
Sam: I'm coming too.  
Aragorn: Oh no.  
Merry: Us too.  
Merry and Pippin jump into the room. Elrond looks the travelers up and down.  
Elrond: Okay. You're the Fellowship...Ah who the hhell are we kidding.  
Pippin: Great. Where are we going?  
Merry: You idiot! We're going to thhe mall.  
Aragorn: No...No that isn't right either.

A journey has begun. As the fellowship heads for the gates of Rivendell, Merry and Pippin are skipping around singing at thhe top of their lungs:  
Merry & Pippin: We're off to see the Wizard!  
Aragorn: I dont know which is more troubleing, the journey, or the thought of them singing the whole time.

They exit the gates and come to a fork in thhe road (already).  
Frodo: Which way Gandalf?  
Gandalf: Second star to the left and straight on till morning.  
Frodo: I meant to Mordor.  
Gandalf: Oh...Go left...NO RIGHT! No I was right the first time; go left.  
Frodo: Are you sure?  
Gandalf: A wizard is always sure, Frodo Baggins.

We then see a sequence where the Fellowship is seen crossing various landscapes. Then it is time for THE HERO SHOT! The Fellowship passes over a hill between two rocks. This would have been impressive if it weren't for the three New Zealand Tourists doing the same thing one hill and two rocks over.  
The Fellowship stops to rest on some funky rocks. Sam brings Frodo some food and then they both sit down to watch Boromir and the two younger hhobbits play at swords. Legolas sits and fiddles with his hair and Gimli comes to Gandalf with a suggestion.  
Gimli: Why don't we go through the Mines of Whoria? My cousin Baldy would give us a royal welcome.  
Gandalf: No Gimli, I would not go through Whoria unless I had no other choice.  
There are a few moments of silence, and then Legolas Takcles the sword fighting man and two hobbits.  
Legolas: See? I do guy stuff!  
Aragorn goes over to help them up, but is tripped by Merry and then becomes a part of the pile-up.  
Frodo: What's that?  
He is looking at a strangely shaped cloud that appears to be coming toward them.  
Gimli: It's a bird, it's a plane...What the hell is a plane?  
Legolas: Everybody run! It the flying toasters from the old screen savers!  
They all duck for cover..Under the same rock. The toasters fly over a couple of times, pelt the fellowship with some soggy old toast and then fly away. The fellowship comes out from behind their rock.  
Gandalf: Spies of Saruman, the passage south is being watched. We must go over the pass of Crawdad-ass.  
Frodo: Speaking of Saruman, how did you escape from him before?  
Gandalf: How did you know about that?  
Frodo: I read the script.  
Aragorn: There's a script?  
Peter Jackson: There sure is.  
Galndalf: Gwaihir Lord of the Eagles didn't fly me to safety, he's too lazy for that. Instead he brought me a six-pack of RED BULL. It gives you wings, you know.


End file.
